I didn’t fully understand what it meant to see the pure innocence of a child until I had my own children. But this understanding also opened my eyes to the trauma that molded me as a person and women. I started off with a blank slate and as I had experiences my slate started to fill with thoughts and ideas that molded me. Of course all people have some level of positive and negative markings on there slate but it’s those traumatic moments in your life that seem to make cracks in your slate.
This is where my abuse left cracks in my slate. After 6 years of sexual abuse I was left with a big crack in my slate and it wasn’t until years later did I get the meaning of this crack and how it shaped my life. My viewpoint on men and sexuality was severely damaged. As strange as it may sound, which who can really understand the reasoning’s behind a persons reaction to abuse, I thought that the only way to get attention from men was to use my sexuality but I felt that my sexuality was a bad and dirty thing. This is obviously very unhealthy and contradicting. It opened the door to boys taking advantage of me and me not getting the connection between self respect and love. And if I loved someone I still felt the negative impact because I couldn’t associate making love as a positive thing. It was a dirty thing. Something that bad people did. And if I wanted to be intimate with someone, I was a bad person too. This crack has impacted every part of my life; from my teen years, my first marriage, my adulthood, my relationships and especially my responsibility of raising my boys.
Even as a grown women, I size up the men in my life and the men I meet and try to evaluate there threat level. Can I trust them? Are they big enough to overpower me? Are they going to hurt me? This leaves it very hard for me to trust men, especially men I don’t know or men that have hurt me, physically or emotionally.