The Darkest Days Begin

Right after he made his grand announcement that he didn’t love me anymore I didn’t know what to do next.  My parents happen to be hours away on vacation and I couldn’t stand to be in the same house as him.  I got in my dream car, which didn’t seem so shiny and new anymore, and drove around.  I don’t know how long I drove but I drove through tear soaked eyes.  Once I physically exhausted myself I pulled over in a nearby neighborhood and slept in the backseat of my car.  It took another day for my parents to get back home to comfort me.  So I slept in my car for two days.  Crying so hard that my whole body would shake.  I think these initial days were spent in shock because I remember very little except the tears and confinement of this used to be beautiful car but now another symbol of my broken dreams.

I just couldn’t believe what was going on.  I gave this man everything.  I supported him.  I trusted him.  I loved him with my whole being which I never thought was possible.  And he ripped my heart out and took me back to my painful childhood.  A time that I thought he had healed.  A time I thought I would never revisit or feel that way again.  A time that planted the seed that I was unlovable.  And now it was true.  I was unlovable.  I was damaged.  I was worthless.  And now I was broken forever.

My parents returned early from their vacation and I started living there.  In the coming weeks I had to try to wrap my head around what was happening.  I was desperate for things to go back to the way they were but he was gone.  There was no hope for a reconciliation so we had to meet and split our property.  While I was there I discovered girls closing hanging in the bathroom.  Just like that she had replaced me.  In his heart and in my home.  With every crushing blow I felt myself breaking into more pieces and losing grip on life.  I would spend my days at my parents house, sleeping a lot and smoking outside on the porch.  At night it would get unbearable.  I couldn’t sleep and if I could I had to fall sleep to the sound of the TV.  And my mind became my worst enemy.  I literally fight with my own thoughts and at times would hear a voice in my head telling me awful things, breaking me down more and more.  At this point I was so far gone in my own pain that no one could help me.

 

Author: Carrie

Welcome to my site, after years of hiding behind the shame of living with Bipolar I want to share my story and help others without the judgement by simply being Me.

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