Right after he made his grand announcement that he didn’t love me anymore I didn’t know what to do next. My parents happen to be hours away on vacation and I couldn’t stand to be in the same house as him. I got in my dream car, which didn’t seem so shiny and new anymore, and drove around. I don’t know how long I drove but I drove through tear soaked eyes. Once I physically exhausted myself I pulled over in a nearby neighborhood and slept in the backseat of my car. It took another day for my parents to get back home to comfort me. So I slept in my car for two days. Crying so hard that my whole body would shake. I think these initial days were spent in shock because I remember very little except the tears and confinement of this used to be beautiful car but now another symbol of my broken dreams.
I just couldn’t believe what was going on. I gave this man everything. I supported him. I trusted him. I loved him with my whole being which I never thought was possible. And he ripped my heart out and took me back to my painful childhood. A time that I thought he had healed. A time I thought I would never revisit or feel that way again. A time that planted the seed that I was unlovable. And now it was true. I was unlovable. I was damaged. I was worthless. And now I was broken forever.
My parents returned early from their vacation and I started living there. In the coming weeks I had to try to wrap my head around what was happening. I was desperate for things to go back to the way they were but he was gone. There was no hope for a reconciliation so we had to meet and split our property. While I was there I discovered girls closing hanging in the bathroom. Just like that she had replaced me. In his heart and in my home. With every crushing blow I felt myself breaking into more pieces and losing grip on life. I would spend my days at my parents house, sleeping a lot and smoking outside on the porch. At night it would get unbearable. I couldn’t sleep and if I could I had to fall sleep to the sound of the TV. And my mind became my worst enemy. I literally fight with my own thoughts and at times would hear a voice in my head telling me awful things, breaking me down more and more. At this point I was so far gone in my own pain that no one could help me.