In writing my posts and bringing the pain back to the surface I’ve come to notice that at some point in my life, somewhere during one of my traumatic events I stopped living. With each post I’ve cried my eyes out feeling the anguish from each tear. Knowing that these feelings are still running so deep in my body I realized that I’m frozen in time. Letting my abusers and ex husband dictate how I live my life. I held on to the pain, to the negativity, to the hurt and only ended up hurting myself over and over again. If I had said “screw you”, I’m worth it, I’m going to be something great, my life would look a lot different. Till this day I still live in fear of being unloved, unlike and not good enough to be happy. I don’t know how but I need to break the cycle, release their hold on me and start living the life I was destined to live before they cracked my clean slate. Throughout my adult life I’ve taken the safe road. Not risking it because I was a failure and nothing good could come out of me. This might feel true on some levels but the unconditional love of my amazing boys is untouchable. As long as I have them I will understand and feel true love. But it’s time for change, it’s time for me, it’s time that happiness knocked on my door and I welcomed it in because I, yes, I, deserve it!!!! I will no longer settle for second best and I will no longer live my life based on others approval. If I don’t trust you or you’ve harmed me in some way I’m going to remember it, but forgive you and move on!! For Me, Not For You!! I’ve wasted enough of my life, it’s time to take it back.
It feel great to have my eyes wide open but there was so much more I experienced. Stay along for the ride, it gets a little bumpy.