It’s been way too long since I wrote and I’ve missed it. Which made me look within myself and ask, “Why haven’t you written? What are you feeling? That’s what made me realize that I need to write even though I’m struggling in so many ways, from multiple directions. I’m naturally a sensitive, caring , people pleasing, nurturer and you add that with my Bipolar disorder and it can become the perfect storm. I also believe that my history contributes to my sensitivity of what people think and how that reflects my past questioning of being lovable. I can’t say for certain that this is related to my Bipolar because I can only speak to how I feel but for some reason it seems that I feel things deeper, stronger and more painfully to fix it or believe that I’m never good enough and I can’t make people happy.
I’ve been married for 12 years and have two amazing boys. Due to my husbands physical disability the decision had to be made that I stay home with our kids. This was a hard decision because I was just out of nursing school and I had hardly dipped my toe in the profession. But sacrifices had to be made. I just didn’t realize what the effect of this decision would do to me. I gave it my all as a stay at home mom even when I felt like I couldn’t get out of bed but I knew that these little ones needed me and I had to push past my Bipolar and care for them. In many ways I felt the need to over compensate as a mother because of the abuse I experienced as a child. I COULDN’T let that happen to my boys and I certainly wasn’t going to visit my disorder on them, so it was my job to be the very best mother I could be and do my very best to struggle in private. As the years went by I lived this life, I sacrificed and I carried the load of our family all the while hold back the symptoms of my Bipolar to the best of my ability. Which brings me to the struggles I’m having as a wife, mother and individual. Unfortunately like most couples in the world my husband and I faced our ups and downs but when you put our personal struggles into the equation we’ve failed to maintain our marriage. The weight I struggled to carry for this family and my husbands neglect to contribute more created a consistent deterioration. Now we face the uphill battle of trying to repair the damage if at all possible and start over, learning who we are and what it means to be spouses to one another. To top it off this is the first school year that my boys are both in school full day. This has been crushing to my purpose in life. It’s a great thing that there healthy, happy and confident enough to be successful in school and I try to remember that I helped in that process but now there just a sense of emptiness. But little do they know that their mother struggles with the fear of them going out into the world and being victimized because that seed has been planned into my mind since my abuse. The noise is gone in the house and the busy work of keeping them entertained and feed are missing during my days. I guess for some moms this is a great opportunity to do busy work, volunteer or just enjoy the fruits of your labor during this down time, but for me, the nurturer that will care for every single person in my life but not myself is deafening and proving to be extremely difficult. I feel lost. I just don’t know what to do. I think and think, trying to find that path for me and it just doesn’t come. I just don’t know what to do and how to process this big change in my life.
I’ve also been struggling with individuals and family members in my life that leave me scratching my head. I don’t know if it’s because I’m not what they want me to be but it feels like one personal attack after another which really confuses me because I’m a people pleaser and want others to like me so why would I hurt people? I am who I am and I wish it was clear to me what I’ve done so wrong to have multiple people attack me and make claims that are unexplained. It makes me sick to my stomach really. If these individuals can express themselves so that the issue can be clear and hopefully solved then I’m left to let the hamster spin on the wheel in my head, torturing myself. But I refuse to be blamed for other people’s actions or misinterpretation. It’s hard to allow these people into my life because they have the power to spin things out of control for me. Questioning my ability to trust them enough to have a healthy relationship. I can’t handle the unknown or the inability to read peoples mind because they don’t want to address the issue.
With all that said, all these struggles trigger most often a depressive state which scares me the most. It hurts my heart when things are uncertain or I feel like people are holding things over my head. This pile of struggles seem to be impossible to climb out of. There’s so much turmoil in my life that it’s no wonder each day has been almost impossible to bare. No wonder I’ve fallen into a depressive state and haven’t written in so long. One thing I know for sure, I’m nowhere near where I want to be in my life and can only hope I can somehow pull myself out of this depression with all this crap piling up around me.