Darkness

I had a feeling that The Darkness was going to settle in.  I’ve been dealing with a lot of stressful situations which bring on the flare ups of my Bipolar.  With that has come deep depression and anxiety.  At first it started as a feeling of being blah and week after week it got worse and worse.  Now The Darkness has settled in and I’m struggling to see clear and cope with every day life.  Luckily with lots of practice I try to suffer in private and keep my boys childhood happy and loving.  The last thing I would want to do is ruin my kids by letting them see the damage that is truly going on inside of me.  Inside my mind.  Inside my body.  It’s been said that stress increases your chances of having Bipolar flare ups.  Unfortunately for everyone, life is full of stress.  It’s not something you can get away from.  But of course there are ways to eliminate or lessen your stress level and the people around you are a big influence but that’s in their hands.  I can’t force people to do what’s best for me so that I can live the best life I could unless I dismiss their presence to help my mental health.  I don’t need or want additional, unnecessary drama in my life that could simply be resolved and move forward.  With that being said I need to think of myself and not feel guilty about it.  Because at this point with the level of stress I’m experiencing I can’t stand living a life-like this.  I can’t find my happiness.  The only thing that puts a smile on my face and a sparkle in my eyes are the two boys that give me a reason to live and to push myself.  If it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t be alive today, and I mean that!!  The Darkness is hard right now that I’ve thought about taking my life, but let’s be clear, I’ve thought about it but don’t have a plan.  I just day-dream about what it would be like to feel at peace and not feel like a tortured soul twisting about in mental distress.  I woke up three times last night having a panic attacks.  I woke up feeling this pressure in my chest, my heart pounding so hard I could feel it in my brain, grasping for breath, my arms and legs thrashing about and feeling disoriented.  I forgot the stock up on my anti anxiety med in my night stand so I had to stumble down the stairs and locate my medicine.  Putting it under my tongue tastes terrible but it’s the fastest way into my blood stream.  I laid on the kitchen floor waiting for the relief to come.  Sometimes I just fall sleep where ever I landed but I went straight to bed before the medicine made it too difficult to get up the stairs.  Having three panic attacks in one night was terribly difficult so I’m feeling utterly drained today.  On the other hand I’ve thought about cutting too.  But instead I run my finger along my scars and remember the feeling, the pain, the thick red blood that came dripping out of my body.  This seems to satisfy my desire for now but I’m afraid that I might not be able to stop myself if The Darkness continues.

The only reason I’m sharing all this private information in this forum is not to only help myself cope with what is happening to me and that it’s a life sentence to be Bipolar but my greatest goal is to help other that struggle with these same symptoms and feel alone.  Your Not Alone.  We are here.  We are part of our society.  We live among you and we can help each other to try to fight this torturous condition and live the best life possible.  I’d also like to bring awareness to others that are in the dark about this condition.  Too often I hear jokes made about people and the mentally ill.  It’s not right and a lot of it is due to their ignorance on the subject.  And don’t get me started on the opinion that just because someone who suffered from a mental illness and went on a violent rampage doesn’t mean that everyone with a mental illness is a ticking time bomb of violence.

Author: Carrie

Welcome to my site, after years of hiding behind the shame of living with Bipolar I want to share my story and help others without the judgement by simply being Me.

1 thought on “Darkness”

  1. So sorry that you’re going through this dark period. I know it must be overwhelmingly difficult, but I hope it helps to remember you’ve been in the darkness before and come out on the other side for happy times. Hang in there…you WILL get there again. In the meantime, practice self care – get outside and take a brisk walk, call a friend…those things are hard at times like this. But if you can do them, it will help.

    Liked by 1 person

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